The Elevator Pitch: What It Is and Why You Need One

Every author dreams of finding themselves talking to a publisher who's a big deal. The kind of person who could open up a cell phone, call an assistant, and have a five-figure contract in your hands by tomorrow if he likes your idea. Maybe you're at a cocktail party and you just said something really witty, and he wipes a tear from his eye, gives you a smile, and says, "So, tell me about your book." This is it, the moment when you get a chance to hook that big fish, but you can see someone else making a beeline for him. You know you've got thirty seconds, maybe a minute, before the big deal's attention will move on and you'll be lost in the shuffle.

So what do you say?

The Elevator Pitch

The term elevator pitch has been used for decades because it refers to the scenario where you and the aforementioned important publisher are in an elevator. He's going up to his floor and you have between now and the time he gets there to sell him on your book. What you don't want is to be reaching for a good explanation, tossing in buzzwords, or rambling through the entire plot. You want something short, sweet, concise, and engaging.

In short, you want a hook.

Tell me more.

That's the whole point of your elevator pitch; you want your audience hooked on what you just said. You could go on at length about how your main character is a demon who is summoned by a young girl and bound into service to help her find a mysterious artifact of power, and how your lead has to contend with other persons who want the same item, but you'll start losing the thread of the tale and your listener will wander away. Instead you should say something like this:

"My novel is a gritty crime thriller in the spirit of The Maltese Falcon, if Sam Spade was a demon."

Whether modern fantasy is your genre or not, that is the kind of line that is going to make people stop and blink for a second or two. That's the reaction you want.

Elevator Pitches Are For More Than Just Publishers

Getting your book published is just the first step; you're going to have to help sell it too. That's why you don't want to hang up your elevator pitch just because your book is newly minted and breathing on the shelves. If it worked once then there's no reason it won't work again. And again. And again.

So what is this thing about?

The number of times you are going to be asked by people what your book is about is legion. Casual acquaintances, complete strangers, and everyone in between is going to ask you some variation of the question within ten minutes of learning you've had a book published. If your elevator pitch got a professional publisher interested then it should work great when you're being interviewed, when you're trying to hand sell your book at a convention, or when you just want to leave someone with an itch in their head to know more about what your book is really about.

Your book is an infinitely complex tale, and everyone is going to have a favorite character, moment, or scene. Your job is to be the travel agent and to find the hook that gets every reader to want to travel to this mythical land you've created.

Speaking of which, would you like to read a story about a budding romance between two young journalists forced onto a knife edge in the flickering light of the silver screen? Then check out Double Feature, my contribution to American Nightmare.

You know you want to...

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Will Self Publishing Work For You? Maybe... If You're Lucky

You can't turn on the TV news or check your social media feed without hearing about one more self publishing success story. Whether it's an author making bank putting out monster porn on Amazon, or a married couple saving their house with their steamy romance novels, it seems like self publishing really is shoulder-checking the big publishing houses out of the way and rendering them irrelevant. Soon publishing will be available to everyone, and sales will be based purely on the merit of the writer's skill!

Keep dreaming Skippy.

Sadly the world in which self publishing is the Rocky Balboa to Random House's Apollo Creed is just a fantasy. Does that mean you can't self publish and become successful? Of course not, because (in case you didn't notice) it seems there's a new joker every week that hits the publishing lottery and makes between $25k and $100k a year in book sales.

That isn't the norm though, and if you're going to get into self publishing there's some things you should know beforehand.

You Have To Do Everything (And I Do Mean Everything)

It should be evident just looking at the term self publishing that you're going to be responsible for every aspect of the process. Lots of authors think they understand what that means, but until you've gone through it you really don't.

Pictured: Everything

I'm not just talking out of my ass here, either. When I was having some trouble getting my stories placed I decided to take three of the better ones in my stable and publish them myself through the Smashwords platform (you can find my Smashwords author profile right here if you're curious). It looks easy; it isn't.

You know going into the process that it's your job to write the story. You have to handle the rear cover blurb, and you have to take care of the cover art (that gets complicated since you're limited to public domain images and royalty-free stock photos, unless you're a talented artist yourself). You know that you have to edit the book, and that it's your job to find beta readers. But you also have to format the book, you have to put it up on the platform, and you have to make sure the page displaying it is accurate and attractive.

There's more though because you're not just the author and publisher. You're also the publicist, which means you need to find ways to promote your book so you can get eyes on it. You have to come up with marketing plans, you have to keep your clicks up on social media, and you have to answer any questions or comments that fans and readers come up with. This is actually what leads into the second thing you should know...

No One Takes You Seriously

Because it's your job to promote yourself and your book you're going to want to talk to media outlets to try and get coverage. You're going to want an author page on LinkedIn and Facebook, and you're going to want an author website and a blog. Once you've set up shop you might set out into the big bad world to tell them about how great your book is. Maybe you go down to the local TV and radio station to see if they need guests. Or you call up your local newspaper and inform them you're an author who just released a new book. No matter what you do to though, chances are you're going to get the door slammed in your face hard enough to break your nose.

This is what you have to do in order to get an interview. From a college paper.

Something not a lot of writers know is there is a marked prejudice against self published authors (and to a lesser degree against those published by small presses). The general consensus is that self-publishing is a field with a few rebel geniuses in it, and a sea of talentless hacks who couldn't get their books past the gatekeepers at real publishers. This isn't an accurate view by any means, but if you regurgitate something often enough it becomes the governing view. As such the news media by and large does not care about your book unless it meets the following criteria:

- Is it a novel?

- Is it a physical book (mainstream media seems to hate ebooks)?

- Can you walk into a store and buy it?

- Are you generating a lot of attention with your book?

This is the catch-22 of being an author. Short of being struck by Internet lightning you aren't going to get famous without a lot of exposure and buzz about your book. One of the main ways to do that is to get coverage from media sources. Mainstream sources, of course, don't want to hear it unless you're already selling books.

Speaking of selling books...

Selling Books Is Damn Near Impossible

The public loves to read, and there are niches for all kinds of tastes and desires out there. Your problem is convincing readers to give your book a try, and most authors really have no idea how hard that actually is.

For example, have you read the samples for anything linked in this blog yet?

People read books based on a lot of factors. One is how popular the book is, the logic being that a hundred thousand people think it's great so maybe I should check it out. Another is a recommendation from a person they trust, like a good friend or a critic whose views they find insightful. Some people might read a book because it's cover art is intriguing (and that kind of art takes talent and cash to make), or because it's free.

If all you had to do was write a book, post about it on your Facebook page and kick up your heels, everyone would do this.

As a self published author you have to build an audience, overcome prejudice, and get your book in front of new readers all without the support of mainstream media, or the staff and influence that comes with a traditional publisher. Even if you run a successful social media campaign, acquire some followers, get noticed, and manage to move up the ranks though, there's something else you should be aware of...

It Really Is Like Winning The Lottery

Becoming one of those people you see on the news is possible. Someone has to become the new sensation after all, so it might as well be you, right? After all you've honed your craft, created a compelling story, and you've come up with a unique way to market it to both niche readers as well as those outside of a given genre. You're a shoe in!

Know something? That's what the other several hundred thousand other self published authors are thinking.

Hate to disappoint everyone else, but that's my bulls-eye.

In the year 2012 there were over 391,000 self published books on the market. That's not counting the traditionally published books from all the other companies big and small, which you're still fighting over for attention like the smallest puppy in the litter. Those numbers aren't going down either; if anything they're only getting bigger.

Why? Because everyone thinks they can write, and with self publishing there's no one but sales figures to inform them they're wrong. To make it worse for every terrible indie book someone reads that's another black mark (in that reader's mind) against all indie books. They don't have a company or an editor to blame, so instead they saddle the whole of indie authors with the sins of the few.

Is it possible that your book will be the one chosen by lottery to be read by hundreds of thousands of people? Sure it is! But it's more likely that you're going to sweat buckets and strain your mental back trying to shove yourself through the ranks to get to the front for a few minutes in the sunshine.

Even if you are chosen though, you should really know...

You Need to Move Millions of Copies To Eat

How much would you make at the top of Amazon's bestseller list for a week? Well Patrick Wensick's novel Broken Piano For President spent a week in the #6 spot (partially because of a viral cease-and-desist letter that Jack Daniels sent him), and most authors assume that means Wensick made an absolute boatload of cash. After all he was placed higher than The Hunger Games, Gone Girl, and dozens of other bestselling books for seven days. Surely he's relaxing and writing his next book even if he isn't a millionaire, right?

Well, it seems he made $12,000.

Gangbusters

Now Wensick might not be an ideal example, since he isn't an indie author. However, his case shows you just how hard it can be to make bank. If a viral news story and a week in a top spot on the biggest online marketplace nets you less than a year's worth of minimum wage pay, then what do you need to do to become the next Stephen King or Anne Rice?

Be lucky, for the most part. That, and keep your momentum going.

The Neverending Story

Being a successful author of any sort (indie, traditional, or otherwise) is a lot like being a shark; you swim or you die. Publish or perish. You need to publish more stories, tack another chapter onto your epic series, or offer your audience something new and shiny to devour at least once a year or so. Only once you've built up a library of published work can you experience the backlog effect; when a reader discovers you as an author and then decides to read everything you've written.

This is a key point for all authors, but indie authors in particular. If you only have one book on the market then no matter how much someone loves your work you can only make one sale (perhaps one or two more if that reader gives your book out as gifts). But say you have 10 or 20 books on the market; you're going to notice a spike in your total sales every time one catches a wave and gets a little more popular.

That's how you really cash in.

Are You Up For It?

In closing it's true that self publishing is a viable way to make money. Self published authors have completed books, and they're working hard to find their audiences. However, it isn't the right path for everyone. People who don't want to handle every aspect of a book, or who want a traditional publisher's marketing muscle behind them may find that self publishing feels like more work than it's worth, and they'll be discouraged by all of the hidden work that comes with it. Other authors, who like to be at the helm of their own careers and who aren't afraid to roll up their sleeves and bang on doors till someone listens may find that self publishing is just right for them.

All of that said, there's just one more question. Did you check out Jungle Moon?

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The Five Types of Beta Readers Every Writer Should Have

Writing a story is a lot like giving birth; it's uncomfortable, sweaty, causes a strain, keeps you up nights, makes you want heavy drugs to kill the pain, and in the end you're so exhausted and proud of yourself you don't know what to do. Your first urge is to show everyone the thing you've accomplished, blind to the fact that your story is covered in shit and squalling at the top of its voice.

That's what beta readers are for. They pat you on the back, tell you what a good job you did, and start pointing out all the places you really need to clean up before you offer your latest accomplishment for a "best baby of the year" competition. In short it's their job to make sure that you don't get so stuck on how perfect your child is that you overlook its hanging indents, weeping plot holes, and bastardized concept.

Here is a picture of your ideal beta reading team, though you can add more if you need to. Your team consists of:

The English Teacher

"There were ducks," not "Their were ducks." How many times do I have to tell you?

The front line enforcer of homophones and proper contractions, the English Teacher is an author's best friend. Blunt and occasionally harsh, the Teacher tends to ignore plot and language in favor of checking to be sure your grammar and spelling are correct and acceptable. If the Teacher doesn't remark on the story, character development, or other stylistic choices then you can usually assume they're fine. I recommend starting with the Teacher because it's important to let the air out of your ego early in order to make your story the best it can possibly be.

The Librarian

Dude, you can't call it a Hitler-stache. Why? Your story's set in 1879, for starters...

Nothing is more embarrassing than writing an entire novel, just to find out your facts are wrong. Contrary to popular belief being an author doesn't make you an expert on martial arts, firearms, explosives, murder, tax accounting or any other dangerous activities your characters may participate in (though you can learn how to get rid of a body right here!). Every now and again you're going to screw up, and when you do the Librarian is there to catch you. Whether it's informing you of the proper breed of horse used for Civil War cavalry, correcting the caliber of the weapon your soldier is using in the European theater in World War II, or pointing out that the poison your killer used is a highly controlled and very easy to track substance, the Librarian gives you the facts and just the facts. Even if no one other than you and the Librarian would ever know you screwed up, are you willing to take the chance that you'll be known as the author who doesn't do enough research?

The Genre Lover

A dismembered body under the bridge? Oh, Horror, you shouldn't have!

Every story has a genre, and every genre has dedicated lovers. Chances are pretty good you have that one friend who loves your genre just a little more than the others. You know, the one with photoshopped pictures of themselves making out with the genre in the bookstore? The one with whole shelves dedicated to it, who can name off every trope the way Rainman could name the cards left in a deck? Yeah, that one. That's the Genre Lover, and if you can satisfy the big G.L.'s very high standards as someone who's seen it all and done in all in that genre of choice then you have a solid piece of work on your hands, my friend.

The Non-Genre Reader

Ugh, the leads are kissing? If I wanted to read a smut book that's what I would have bought.

Good books have fans from a genre that love it; great books can reach across the aisle and include everyone in their narratives. Frankenstein is science fiction and horror, but it also speaks to those who love human drama and elements of high adventure. The appeal of the creature's struggle, and Victor's attempts to reconcile his life with his one terrible achievement are usually enough to appeal to any reader.

Usually.

There are still people who will turn up their noses at a book that has even the barest whiff of a certain genre about it. If there's a mention of magic, a suggestion of romantic undertones, or if a murder scene is presented in a way that's a little too heavy on squick, these are the readers who will shut the cover and walk away. Not to be confused with the Literary Reader (a pretentious and dismissive breed in its own right), the Non-Genre Reader is your toughest competition. If you can make a Non-Genre Reader care about your story, then you've got something powerful.

The Dreamer

Yeah, but wouldn't it be cool if...

Authors wade out into the pool of imagination, dip themselves down and let the quicksilver spray of inspiration wash over their skin and bleed their stories out of them. It's a kind of immersion that isn't for everyone, and every author has a little area of the pool they prefer to soak in. Dreamers, by and large, are kindred spirits. Some of them are authors in their own right, but some of them just come down to the water's edge and dip their feet in. The Dreamer is the polar opposite of the English Teacher, often ignoring the finer points of language to focus completely on the story. Many times they'll provide plot hole patches that are completely seamless, or build upon your initial ideas to take the story in places even you never thought it would go. Invaluable for their insights on concepts and ideas, as well as archetypes and possibilities, Dreamers shouldn't be ignored just because they're a bit ephemeral at times.

Different Stories, Different Betas

It should be noted that some beta readers can fulfill multiple roles at once. Some Genre Lovers also possess the encyclopedic knowledge of Librarians, and some English Teachers may be Non-Genre Readers as well. Sometimes you'll need multiple betas in the same role, particularly if you need to call on the expertise of half a dozen different kinds of Librarian to get your facts straight. Generally speaking the more eyes that crawl over your story before you submit it, the cleaner and smoother it will be when you hand it to a publisher. Or try to sell it to the masses, whatever your preference happens to be.


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Things You Should Never Say to an Author

It isn't easy being an author. It's a lot of work building worlds out of blocks of imagination, carefully studying people and methods of speech, and creating an entire rule system for a universe so we can explain it to other people. Muscling through writer's block, plotting out novels, and waiting for months for a publisher's response all pale in comparison to the single challenge authors face every day, though; not choking the life out of the general public.

Deep down, we know you mean well. We know you're trying to extend a hand in friendship, and that you're just curious about who we are and what we do. You want to touch us, because to you we're strange creatures in some exotic petting zoo. Problem is that what you say is one thing; what we hear is often something else. So, here's a little guide to the most common faux pas you can commit when faced with a chance to meet the flesh behind the fiction.

Are You Published?

Sally eventually stopped mentioning her series and introduced herself as a student.

If I was keeping count, something I stopped doing for mental health reasons, this would probably be the most common question I've heard. More often than not it's just one of those cultural differences, and I have to forgive those who live in the undiscovered country of normal. In this instance the word publish is the only one in my language they know, and so they're using it to show they're following what I'm saying. That's not what I'm hearing though.

When someone asks this question what many writers hear is, are you a real writer, or just a hobbyist? We know that many times a person doesn't mean that. We know what they really mean is, I am curious to know where you stand in your professional field and what you have accomplished as a self-proclaimed artist. Here's a tip: if someone introduces him or herself as a writer, an author, a columnist, or any other exotic and wordy profession, assume they're published. Chances are good it wouldn't be on their business cards otherwise.

Have You Written Anything I Might Have Seen?

Depends... where do you shop for books?

Probably not. The reasons for this are complicated but, generally speaking an author who isn't famous simply won't have the advertising budget or the fan base for you to have casually picked up one of his or her books. This is a faux pas because it challenges the writer's status. It has an inherent quality of I haven't heard of you, so you can't be that important. Most people don't mean to do that because they're aware statements like that are rude. To put it in perspective, this question is the equivalent of walking into a clothing store and asking a customer service representative "do you have anything here that I'd like?" How should they know? They just met you, after all.

Better questions for these scenarios are, "what have you written?", "what was your last project?", or "what are you working on now?" These express interest, while at the same time not putting pressure on the author to prove his or her professional status by rattling off a pedigree.

How Much Does That Pay?

More than you'd believe, but less than you think.

This question is rude on more levels than can be expressed in polite company. The issue of how much a person makes has become less private over the years, but asking directly is still seen as something of a challenge. The questioner is demanding to know if the artist makes enough money to justify being a professional. This is, unfortunately, a cultural by-product. Lots of people sketch, or paint, or write stories for fun, so creative things are seen as a hobby that anyone could participate in. Being told someone is a professional leads to a knee-jerk, "prove it" kind of reaction.

A solid rule is not to ask an author any question you wouldn't ask a carpenter, an investment banker, or a car salesman. In short, don't disrespect the creative types. Always assume that the writer makes enough to be at the same event you are, but that he or she will never make enough to turn away a new reader.

Remember Us When You're Rich and Famous

Sure. I'll even put you in a story. You, personally.

This phrase is a variation on the "You could be the next King/Rowling/whoever is hot right then." It's something people say when they want to be supportive, but they don't want to do more than tell you they have faith in you. That's the reason most writers will ignore it; encouraging words don't do much for one's career. If you really want to support a writer then you should buy books, leave reviews, tell your friends, come to events, and generally show that you are there and you want that person to succeed. In addition to helping that writer get rich and famous, chances are good they'll notice you and aren't likely to forget you.

Do You See Yourself in Your Characters?

Sure. We'll go with that.

Nothing is more irritating than people who want to play amateur psychoanalyst with your work. If a writer composes a visceral tale about a serial killer, readers wonder how he got into that monster's mind. If an author writes a steamy best-seller, readers may secretly wonder how many people she slept with to assemble her cast. If you write a story about a nine-foot-tall super soldier, fans will wonder if you have masculinity issues.

We, as writers, are partially responsible for this. With the sheer number of times we use write-what-you-know as a mantra, and the ridiculous tally of occasions we've used the "my book is a secret confession for what I really did" plot twist, we were going to get this sooner or later. Yes, most of us will put our life experiences into the books we write. We will also talk about places we've been, dreams we had, or little phrases we've stolen from the hundreds of novels we've read. Just be aware that when you ask this question you're implying one of two things; either the writer is in need of therapy, or the writer is composing self-insert-wish-fulfillment. This question is like the lady and the tiger, except there are two tigers, they're both female, and they're both in heat, and starving. Avoid whenever possible.

I Wish I Had Your Job

Sure. Sure you do.

No you don't. You want a job where you can wake up whenever you please, have a socially accepted excuse for partying too hard, and lounge around in your pajamas all day. Because deep down that's what society has told you authors do. Edgar Allen Poe got blitzed on absinthe, Stephen King did so much coke he doesn't remember writing "Cujo", and Ernest Hemingway was an alcoholic who eventually committed suicide... that's what writers do, right?

You don't want to spend 8 to 10 hours in front of a machine that you've purposefully disconnected from the Internet to focus. You don't want to take endless notes, and re-write a manuscript three or four times before you feel it's good enough for submission. You don't want to make less than minimum wage for years until you finally catch on with something popular, or develop a big enough following to pay your bills. Lastly, you really don't want to go through the endless frustration of people telling you they know how great your job is, and how they envy you for it. You don't. Trust me.

I Don't Read

He appears to be speaking... words of some kind.

This is the most direct form of this sentiment, but there are others. Polite inquiries like "aren't books on their way out?" or statements like, "it must be hard to compete with movies, and so many other forms of media," are also fairly common.

The next time you think about saying something like this, especially if you're saying it to someone who is an author, don't. It's the equivalent of saying, isn't your profession quaint and antiquated? This can be mitigated with the proper apologetic tone, turning the message instead into, my apologies, but I don't consume your type of media. It's a quirk. Whatever your intention when you make your entertainment habits known though, tread carefully. Readers and authors are clannish, and they look with suspicion on those who ignore the written word.


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The Literary Mercenary's Guide to Shameless Self Promotion

There's a popular myth in some writing circles that all you have to do is write a solid, entertaining book, and everything else will take care of itself. With very few exceptions, this is a sure-fire way to commit career suicide. Writing the book is important, it's necessary, but it's only the first leg of the journey. The next step is letting people know you actually have a book for sale.

Or two, or three... hundred.

But wait, isn't that the publisher's job? Isn't that the whole reason that you give the publisher such a big cut of the sales, so that they do all the promotional work for your book and you can just sit back and collect royalties? In some ideal, golden-aged world that would be true. For those of us who haven't been made the gilded child of a massive corporation looking for a new book sale messiah, and who don't have a famous name that's pulling people in like flies to honey, it's your collective job to reach out to your potential fan base. It isn't going to be easy, it probably isn't going to be fun, but if you want to grow your following and actually sell books, then you're going to have to learn how to promote.

Setting Up Events

Events are typically what people think of when they think of book promotion. An author reads a short story to an eager audience on open-mic night, or holds a book signing at the local store with crowds of curious fans. These are good ideas, and they've become industry standards because they actually work. However, there's no reason to limit yourself when thinking about different venues to get yourself and your work out there.

Always sign the book... even if it's not yours.

Ask yourself who your audience is, and then look for opportunities to reach out directly to that demographic. If you write science fiction or fantasy, then you should look into becoming a panelist at a convention where you can weigh in on industry issues connected to your work. If you're a young adult author, then make sure local high schools and middle schools in your area know you live nearby, and offer to speak to students if the school would like to have you in. If you're any kind of successful then organizations like colleges, local writing groups, and other sorts of people collections will typically be more than happy to have you come on over and speak. In fact, if you know how to make up fliers, you can even get a space at your local library free of cost (in most places) and see who's willing to come in and listen to you talk.

Traditional Media

Though we live in a world of instant gratification and 100 character updates, don't count traditional media out when it comes to your writing career. Most writers who don't have a big name, a blockbuster novel, or real clout (see for example most writers who are self-published, or who work mostly with small presses) will probably find a lot of doors shut in their faces when it comes to this step. Newspapers don't want to waste word count on an author no one's heard of, and magazines won't grant an interview to a nobody. However, sometimes being a local is enough to get their attention. Once you have the attention of an editor, if you can make a good case you can expect at least a little ink to flow your way in fairly short order.

Where the hell is the refresh button?

Persistence is the key when it comes to traditional media. Check with all newspapers and magazines no matter how big or small they are. Talk to your local radio stations both private and public to see what they have to say about your work and if they'll have you on as a guest. Professional tip: If you have a local event going on, traditional media is much more likely to cover you. An author they've never heard of has released the first book in an epic trilogy? Yawn. There's going to be an event at the local Barnes and Noble you say? If we can get some pictures, maybe that would interest some people over in the Arts and Entertainment pages...

Social Media

This is where a lot of authors unfortunately lose their minds, as well as any sight of their goals. Social media is like a bloody battle where making any progress at all is likely just as much an accident of your backswing as it is due to the countless hours that you practiced and refined your pitch so it would thrust home with your audience. While it's possible to save a lot of frustration by avoiding social media, this is a prime example of no guts, no glory. You need to be on as many stages as possible if people are going to notice you.

Your career moves at the speed of Google. Watch for trees.

Where should you go? Well, Facebook is a good start (you can find my author page there, for instance), along with Tumblr (my personal favorite), and the professional social media page LinkedIn (yes, I'm there as well). There's also Twitter, the recently re-invigorated MySpace for those who enjoy a dash of undeath with their social media, and as a place just for authors, Goodreads (you knew this link was coming).

Just having a social media presence isn't enough though; any 12-year-old can manage that. What you need to do, as the author, is to wrangle your audience and to keep them entertained. Let them know who you are, and what you're about. Update with news about your projects, your upcoming events, and post links to your stories, your reviews, and any write-ups about your events (see how cyclical this madman's mess is becoming?). Answer their questions, build a rapport, and try to recruit folks by always, always, always including links to your social media in articles published about you, or which you write yourself. Lead by example when possible.

Forums, Blogs, and Video Channels

The natural extension of social media is, well, the rest of the goddamn Internet. Climbing electronic Everest isn't going to be easy though, and it's very likely you'll have to fight hordes of trolls, deal with storms of withering abuse, and comment sections a mile long about how incompetent you are, and how unoriginal your stories and opinions are. I suggest you wear goggles and cover your mouth, this part gets nasty.

This guy's got the right idea.

If you have a forum presence as it is, then you're ahead of the game. Whether you talk about gaming, cosplaying, cross-stitch, ritual mutilation, or some other activity, you have a voice in a community. Use that voice! This is key for any forum you go to, or any comment board you stake your flag on; don't just shout advertising in their faces. If you do that you're going to alienate your audience at best, get banned from the forums as a spammer at worst. Instead, talk to the community like you're a real person. When they acknowledge your right to be there, mention that you're an author. Field some questions, and only when you're sure they won't go for your jugular should you post a link to your book(s). It's slow, but it's a decent way to find new fans who at least share an interest with you.

The same is true for blogs. Starting your own blog is a great first step to building an audience (either that or I'm just sitting here and typing at myself), but it's not the only step. You need to provide something more than a constant barrage of "buy my book"; you need to offer them real information, real entertainment, and the ability to feel connected to you. If you know other bloggers then you should talk with them to try and get yourself, your blog, or your work featured over on their site. Guest blogging for someone that has a bigger audience than you do is a great way to build connections, and maybe to leech off a few of their fans for your own.

Lastly, videos. Not everyone should make videos. If you choose to, even if it's just rolling shots of you reading snippets from your book, make sure that you're smooth, that your lighting is good, and that you take a bit of time to tell the audience who you are, what they're about to hear, and let them know what they're in for. At the end of it all, make sure you thank them for watching, and list any and all pertinent information about yourself, the story, where they can find it, etc. Strike while the iron is hot, and that includes the opinion of people who might have stumbled on you by total accident, and now really, really want to have your book in their hot little hands.

Promotional Material

Seriously, you'll never guess what it's about.

It's an unfortunate truth that most people have the attention span of a goldfish coupled with the memory of an aging poodle. If you had the force, verve, and sheer luck to get someone really interested during a talk, don't just expect them to remember who the hell you are and what the hell you wrote. They won't. That's like feeling a fish bite, then waiting for it to throw itself into your boat. You need to help them along, and the best way to do that is with promo materials.

These things come in all shapes and sizes. Most authors turn their business cards into promotional materials, featuring a design from a cover, and links to their blogs and their published works. That's good, but it's just a start. Several authors I've spoken to swear by promotional bookmarks, where they can list out their credentials as well as hook people with a catchy design on a practical item. Others print up post cards, and others might make up stickers or give away other, small items. What you choose depends on your budget, but once you have them, take them to every meeting and keep a few in your pocket just for good measure. Most of them will probably be thrown in the garbage, but people will have to look at it before they chuck it.

Offline Networking

This strategy is known by many names; communication science, interpersonal studies, and my personal favorite, fucking talking to people. Everyone reading this, even Taliban insurgents living in caves, knows people. You have parents, siblings, co-workers, LARP buddies, sword fighting peers, and a number of other folks primed for conversation. What's more, if you can convert even one of those people into a fan, then they act as a carrier for your message. They tell their friends, their friends tell still more friends, and you've gone old-fashioned viral. Word-of-mouth is a powerful force when it comes to books, and it can often lead to otherwise impossible connections. After all, your mother's best friend's landlord's nephew's fiancé just might have a senior editor at Random House as a father.

There are opportunities every day for making offline networking connections. You might be sitting at lunch chatting with your best friend about your newest plot when someone at the next table leans over and asks if you're a writer. You can smile, say yes, and offer them a bookmark. Hell, sign it for them if they want. It makes people feel special, it wins you admiration, and it could lead to a whole slew of positive results. You just need to make sure you keep your professional face as ready to hand as a business card and a pen.

You'll meet all kinds. Shut up, and take their money.

Other Marketing Tips

Firstly, for those who have an ebook and are looking to get some free marketing for it, I recommend checking out this list from Galley Cat here. There's some good stuff on that list, even if not all of it is right for your particular book.

There are so many things you can do that it can be hard to figure out precisely where you're going to strike gold. However, there are a couple of things you should definitely keep in mind in order to get the best results.

First and foremost, get your face as well as your name out there. Authors aren't typically thought of as on-camera personas, but a lot of the time a reader is buying you just as often as they're buying your book. If you're using a pen name, then create a persona. Make your audience pay attention to that persona, and make it a package deal with your other characters.

You're welcome.

Cut down on your negative statements, particularly about other professionals. No one likes to be trash-talked, and even if you can make a living burning down potential bridges, it isn't always a good idea to do so.

Keep your readers updated, particularly on your social media pages. No matter how great your books, you're bound to lose readers if you don't keep them in the loop about what's going on with you, your career, and your life.

Lastly, and this is a rule not just for you but also for your work. You can do nearly anything as an author. You can be profane, you can be disgusting, you can be controversial; you cannot be boring. As soon as you stop being interesting, that is when your numbers fall to zero, and people move on to find someone else to fulfill their entertainment needs.


As always, thanks for dropping in and staying for the whole of the mission briefing. If you've got any questions or concerns, drop them down in the comments below or put a message in the line at one of my social media pages mentioned above. The Literary Mercenary operates free of charge, but always appreciates support. Prod at the links on the page if you want to keep up going, or check out some of my stories available as ebooks. A good place to start looking is right here on Amazon, for those who are interested.

How to Make Money Blogging: The Literary Mercenary's Guide

As an author there is no feeling that can compare with knowing I've really affected a reader. Knowing someone out there went to bed with gooseflesh crawling down his back, or had to choke back tears at the end of one of my tales gives me the rare satisfaction of a job well-done. There's a tricky thing about job satisfaction though.

You can't eat it.

You can't pay rent with compliments, you can't get your car fixed with admiration, and you sure as hell can't barter professional pride for medical services. For that you need cold, hard cash; something writers are notoriously short on. Fortunately if you have the ability to put words on a page in an order that people find interesting and thought-provoking, then you have the ability to run a blog. If you can run a blog, then you can start getting paid.



Click, Click, Boom!

Have you ever wondered why there's advertising everywhere on the Internet? Because if a website has ads on it then someone is paying when those ads get clicked. It could be your favorite dating website, an online TV streaming site, or even your favorite webcomic; nothing is free. As long as the site has Google AdSense though, and a decent amount of website traffic, it's going to make enough to pay its bills at the end of the month.

What's Google AdSense?

Google AdSense is one of the most popular advertising machines on the net today. It's also the one that's operating right here as you read. It also might be giving birth to Skynet, it's hard to tell. The way it works is that you sign up for an account, and based on your website you either get approved or told to go work on your numbers. Mostly if Google believes your site has enough content and enough regular views to make you a viable advertiser it will approve your account and give you a number. Once you have a number you can let Google read over your posts and pick out keywords to choose the right ads for your page. For instance, in this post right here, chances are good there are a lot of ads about getting a degree in a creative field, getting your book published or finding other writing jobs. I'm not psychic; Google saw what I was talking about, and then matched the ads accordingly.

So How Do I Get Paid?

That's up to you, kimosabe. Once you have an account you could go to any website that supports AdSense (Infobarrel.com, Xomba.com, and Blogger.com are just a few I can mention off the top of my head) and start creating content. For every ad click you get you'll be given a fee, from a few cents to a dollar and change. So if someone comes to my page and clicks an ad for getting a graduate degree in creative writing I'll have .50 in my account. If that happens 1,000 times in a given pay period (30 days or so), then that's most of a rent check Google will be sending me a few weeks after the end of the month. Every click gets the creator one step closer to making more tasty, tasty content for you.

Is That The Only Way?

Of course it isn't the only way. In fact no writer should ever put all of his or her chips on one method of getting paid. That's how you go from somebody to nobody in the space of a torn page. While Google AdSense is great, blogs have a couple other tricks up their sleeves.

The first is merchandise. If you have a webcomic, or if you've written a book (Goodreads has a comprehensive list of my titles right here for those who are interested) then a blog lets your audience know what you have for sale. Exposure can translate directly to fans, and fans will purchase things you have for sale to support you and keep your career going.

Additionally, if you don't like requiring people to click ads then you can seek out a website that offers PPM (per-per-thousand, even though it looks like it should be millions). Yahoo! Voices does this (and I can vouch for them, with an archive of over 300 articles on various topics at this link), for instance. The way this works is that you write an article on some topic, and for every 1,000 hits you receive cumulatively, you earn a fee. That fee ranges from $1.00 to $2.00, so it's important that you have a lot of content, popular content, or better yet both.

Any Other Tips of the Trade?

Well, the only thing I can testify for certain is that bloggers need readers just like any other kind of writer. Sure you might have a catchy title, or become a short-term sensation, but if you don't have a core readership then you don't have a long-term solution for earning income. That's why your content has to be actionable, entertaining, informative, and preferably evergreen. Making fun of Twilight's been popular for years now, but the series is done to death, its fan base is moving on, and with it goes the high search volume, and all of that lovely traffic you might have had.

For more updates and handy solutions, as well as to stalk what I'm doing and where I'm going, follow my author page on Facebook or join my train over on Tumblr. Lastly, don't forget that the Literary Mercenary runs on Google AdSense.

My Time in The Red Trenches: An Un-Romantic Romance

Many writers have had to do things they aren't proud of. Some of us edited college papers for stale pizza while working on the great American novel. Others took gigs as ghost writers, letting people put a different name on our hard work. A select few of us go a little bit further, into the bad part of Book Town. We take a deep breath, think of the money, and pen sweaty stories no one reads unless they're home alone. I was, and it shames me to admit I still am, a romance author.

Why The Shame?

A lot of people over the last few years have asked me why I'm so down on romance as a genre. They ask if I feel emasculated writing for a genre that people generally think of as feminine. They ask if I'm just doing it for the money and reputation until I can write something I want to write, and I'm tired of waiting. They ask if I blush when it's time to make my characters fuck. No, no, no, and for the last time, no. None of these things are why when I speak about romance I use the same tone I would use for being paid to clean up prophylactics from a drive-in parking lot. The reason is, simply put, that romance has a disease. That disease is bad writing.

Them's Fighting Words!

Then consider the gauntlet thrown. I've been on the writing and editing side of this genre, and I've seen things that would make a 4Chan administrator puke. Plot holes you could fit a grown man's arm through, deus ex machina that didn't even have a sheet over them, and saccharine dialogue that gave me thousand dollar dental bills. I don't want to say these things, and it pains me to think of them, but they exist and people are paying hard-earned entertainment dollars for them. Somewhere. Or so I'm assured.

Romance publishers, particularly small publishers, are so ubiquitous they are some of the first (sometimes only) places writers with no publishing credits and no agent can go to for work. These houses are hungry for new talent, and it's not hard to get through the filters. With the death of so many literary magazines and e-zines I had the choice of working for free on the magazine circuit and hoping for crumbs, or shooting for publication and royalty checks with a story that had romantic elements to it. It was no contest, and I dove in head first hoping for the best.

What I Saw

I'd heard all the rumors and all the stereotypes associated with the genre. It's all just mindless porn, one group said. There's no plot, character development, or believable relationships another group railed. Everything's in pink, said a heckler somewhere in the back of my head. I steadfastly ignored these prejudices when I decided to pen romance stories. I told myself all genres have bad writers and crappy books in them. All genres have their own stereotypes. None of that matters now. Write the story, get the commission, keep quality control happy by writing solid, believable stories that people will like, and you'll have a publication list the length of your arm in no time.

On the one hand, I was right. I penned one short story after another, even put out a novella in the form of a short story trilogy, all of them with romance blends as the overarching genre. I created believable characters who had to work for the relationships they were involved in, and I threw them into the gnashing gears of plots ranging from capricious fae princes, to invading alien hordes, to steampunk science gone wrong. I was riding high... until I saw who I was riding alongside.

When I was asked to look at new submissions and edit stories that had been accepted I seemed to be the only person trying to change the stereotypes about the genre. Without breaking contracts and naming names, I read stories where villains monologued, where magically transported time travelers from ancient Persia spoke modern colloquial English and were unfazed by Western culture and trends without explanation, where more than half of a story was dedicated to the lead's routine tasks at a veterinary clinic, and where the entire plot of a story appeared to be a man's juvenile fascination with a young woman's body when he woke up as her instead of himself.

In these stories there was no courtship between the characters, and that was bad enough. Romance is a part of everyday life, and if one can write believable people then a believable relationship (a good one or a bad one) isn't far behind. There was also no attention to historical details, no attempt to write engaging dialogue or fight scenes when they occurred, no motivation assigned to characters beyond a stock role ("he did that because he's the bad guy" doesn't fly when I'm holding the red pen), and there was not a single action taken by a character that anyone who hadn't been lobotomized with a sharp stick would have taken.

What I Tried To Do About It

I did what any self-respecting creative professional would do. I suggested we reject every story which was poorly written (passive voice, shifting tenses, an un-engaging plot were the most common reasons cited). When I was informed I could not reject certain stories because they'd been accepted I uncapped my editorial tool and tried to make helpful suggestions. Most of my suggestions were outright refused (the very logical "why does the immortal villain care whether or not the couple is happy together? They pose no threat to him, and will die off in a few measly decades" was pretty much ignored, much to my disappointment), and the manuscripts went to press. I decided to keep writing character-driven fiction that, while it fit the theme of the collection or publisher, integrated all sex and romantic attachments into the plot in logical ways while still telling an engaging story with visceral text that got under my reader's skin.

At The End of The Day...

I did the best I could. I felt then and I still feel now that I wrote interesting, solid stories any reader would be pleased with. Do you know what the most common compliment I've received from readers is? Those who've actually read some of my work? "I really liked it. It didn't feel like I was reading romance at all."

This is the literary equivalent of "I like fish as long as it doesn't taste like fish," and while it makes me proud, it also makes me a little sad. For a genre so expansive and with so much potential to have such negative regard tells me that we are doing something wrong. What is it? I don't know. My suggestions are that we collectively raise our reading expectations, refuse to spend good money on books that just try to titillate the audience for a quick buck, and for the love of all things holy use some classy cover art.

If you've read this far and aren't fuming too badly to concentrate, I am not saying that romance as a genre is bad. It's sick. There are healthy, virile authors in it trying to fight off the hackneyed infection. They can only do so much on their own though. It's up to readers, and if readers keep buying tripe then soon tripe is all that will be available.

"What do you expect?" I've been asked. "It's a romance book, after all."

I expect a book worth what I paid for it. I expect a book with attention to detail, whose characters make me care, and whose plot feels as real as the weave of my jeans. I expect real people to love each other, and to do so in such a way that doesn't make me reflexively draw a crimson Bic. I expect romance to stop being given an eye roll and a "boys will be boys" style excuse when it eats out of the garbage then tries to kiss you. That, in a nutshell, is what I expect.


About The Author

For those who are curious what sort of romance an author with this much vitriol would pen, feel free to check out some of my stories, listed with links to free samples below. If you want to hear more of my ramblings and keep up with my doings, then please follow me on Facebook or mainline me on Tumblr.

Summer People: When Bethany takes a job to help save up money before school she just wanted a summer that would never end. If she's not careful, that's exactly what she'll get. YA paranormal romance (the monster reveal makes it all worthwhile).

Heart of the Myrmidon: After the Hyperion War the earth's surface became a wasteland, and those victors who remained were forced to live below. Mankind created weapons the like of which had never been seen before or since. Weapons like Pollux. One of the Myrmidon, titans engineered as elite soldiers, Pollux has been looking for purpose ever since the guns went silent. He finds it in the most unexpected of places. A sci-fi/romance crossover, this story has a bit of heat to it.

Skin Deep: The City of Angels is going to hell. Malachi has seen it all before, and he's prepared to wait it out. Miracles do happen though, and when someone tries to take his away things escalate quickly. Angels, daemons, devils, and an Old Testament enforcer, this modern fantasy story doesn't pull punches and isn't afraid to start out smoldering.

The Unusual Transformation of Abraham Carver: Iris Carver's husband is dying of a rare blood disease. When an experimental treatment cures him, it seems too good to be true. He starts vanishing out into the night, and when Iris looks into his eyes she sees another man looking back at her. How much of Abraham is left, and will she discover his secret before it's too late? An unapologetic dark steampunk/erotica trilogy, don't judge this book by its cover.