How to Write Flawed Characters

Nobody's perfect. We all have flaws, and those flaws can take a thousand different forms. In many ways it's our flaws that make us who we are, providing the shading and contrast that throws our positive qualities into a starker relief. Flaws give people depth and character, which is why if you want the populace of your stories to stand out they need to have flaws as well.

The problem for many authors comes in deciding just how to execute those flaws; specifically in how to take the characters you've created and to give them flaws that are real and meaningful, instead of purely cosmetic. Since this is not an easy process The Literary Mercenary has put together a simple guide that will help you distress your characters in ways that make them more believable.

Step #1: Give Your Characters Flaws That Make Sense

Let's start with an example; we'll call him Chris. Chris is a big, handsome young man who comes from a supporting home, and who has a long record of personal achievement. He makes good grades, achieves positions of leadership in sports, always has a smile for his classmates, and refuses to sit by while anyone gets bullied. So what's his damage? Well... he has a crippling lack of self confidence.

Okay... why?

It eventually got bad enough that he had to have a horse carry him everywhere.

Barring some secret past being revealed, the elements for this flaw aren't present. A young man who has done nothing but succeeded in his endeavors, and who is supported and valued should have, if anything, an over-inflated sense of confidence. After all, he's led the team to three championships while maintaining his place on the honor roll... what could possibly get in his way?

If you really wanted this flaw though, you could plant it in fertile soil by altering the character's background. For instance, say that Chris's mother and father divorced when he was 10 or so, but for those first 10 years nothing Chris did was ever really good enough for his dad. Good grades were ridiculed, praise from coaches sneered at, and Chris was constantly told how weak and stupid he was. Even if his mother re-married, and Chris's step dad was supportive and proud of his new son's achievements there are going to be scars from that earlier period. While he has the skills and the drive, Chris might be pushing himself to try and prove that his dad was wrong even while he's secretly afraid he might be right.

Put another way it doesn't make a whole lot of sense for your character to be deathly afraid of dogs if he's never seen one before. If you want to sell a flaw you have to make it make sense.

Note: A huge list of character flaws can be found right here on TV Tropes.

Step #2: Give Them Flaws That Will Matter

Detective Lieutenant Larry Stone is a hard-nosed homicide cop who takes no shit and gets the job done. He's tough as nails, can quote every subsection of the city's law book, and he has an unimpeachable record as a lawman.

But he's sexually impotent.

And he's really pissed about it.

If you're wondering how Larry being unable to have sex affects his ability to catch murderers then you're already on the right track. While not every flaw a character has will be center stage all the time, for those flaws to matter they actually have to get in the way of something the character is trying to accomplish. Otherwise it fades into the background, an unimportant footnote we can easily forget about because it isn't germane to the story we're telling.

I'll give you a good example.

There's a novel I'd love to write based off of White Wolf's (or Onyx Path as I believe they're known now) tabletop roleplaying game Promethean. In this game you play an artificially created being who must struggle to find humanity. There are several varieties, but one is the Wretched, known more colloquially as the Frankensteins. Enter Adolph Simmons, a 7'6" monster assembled from the best and the brightest of Ryker's Island, and brought to life in the electric chair by his maker. Escaping after his birth the giant swum to shore and faded into the alleys of Hell's Kitchen. Years go by and there are rumors of a creature called The Butcher of Hell's Kitchen, a favorite in the tabloids for his supposedly gruesome murders of criminals in the area surrounding Our Lady of Sorrows.

It's all rumors and smoke, until children start going missing from the orphanage run by said church. The self-proclaimed guardian of those unwanted youths, Simms has to find where they've gone and who's taking them. The problem is that while he possesses unparalleled supernatural strength, he isn't very smart. He has no training as an investigator, and this makes his efforts clumsy at best, brutal at worst.

This fiercely loyal monster could solve any problem with his hands if it came to a fight, but when he has to use his brain his biggest strength has been stripped away and he has to overcome one of his weaknesses. That's how character flaws add to your story.

Step #3: Flaws Are Not Strengths. They're Flaws

At this point in the list I don't have the energy to pull out rare examples or hidden gems from master authors. Instead I'm just going to go for the low-hanging fruit and use one of the many things wrong with Twilight to make this point.

This was a dead horse a while back... I guess there's one or two whacks left...

Let me draw your attention to the collection of character flaws that is the book's main object (being a protagonist would imply she took effort to achieve something). Among her many other flaws Bella Swan suffers from extreme co-dependency, being left dejected and unable to think or act for months when her abusive significant other abandons her. Rather than struggling to remember how to be independent (as one assumes she was before she was part of a couple) her complete inability to function outside of a relationship (no matter how unhealthy it was) is shown in a positive, romantic light. As if by refusing to put her life together, and actively setting the remnants of it on fire, is supposed to be a statement of great love.

Here's another example for you: Batman.

I've written about Batman's character mistakes before (the article is here, by the by), but he's the easiest example of the emotionally damaged archetype to hold up. A normal person who lost his parents in a mugging would grieve for them, and he would grow up with a sense of just how easily life can end. He would see how prevalent crime can be, and he might even be motivated to try and fight against it in his parents' memory. Perhaps he'd become a cop, or campaign for change to clean up the streets. Perhaps he'd look for ways to help those who have to deal with grief. The idea of dedicating one's life to more than a decade of training, and then several more decades of donning body armor and prowling the streets, breaking bones and smashing teeth is the act of a crazy person. When real people have done this (check out The Real Superhero Project for some real-world vigilantes who started their careers in a dark place) it's been met with abject horror. Yet when we take utter insanity and dress it up in a set of fictional tights we see Batman's dedication and drive as assets rather than a fanatical devotion spurred by someone unable to cope with a traumatic event.

Step #4: Scale Is Everything

So you've got your character, flaws and all. You've figured out what events left scars, and how he or she healed from them to become the person they are today. Before you decide you're done though you need to stop and take a look at the scale of the flaw, and compare it to the scale of the results.

And then the lemur burned down the zoo. Because reasons.

Creating flaws whose results are extreme happens all the time with villains (and I covered some of it in Under The Black Hat: Writing Believable Bad Guys). I personally call this Dr. Doom syndrome. For those of you who don't read comics Victor Von Doom is the sovereign ruler of a small kingdom called Latveria in Marvel Comics. As a young prince Doom traveled to America for his education (where we presume he earned a doctorate). While he was in the lab working on what we can only assume was his thesis there was an accident. The accident marred Victor's face, and he sought some way to repair the damage. After medicine and magic failed him he forged an iron mask, and encased himself in a suit of highly advanced armor which he is rarely seen without.

The reason I use this example is that in some versions of the origin Doom's face is marred, but it's far from a horror. A small scar was all it took to send him on a world-wide quest to restore what he viewed as perfection, and in the end he encased himself in a suit of armor that put Tony Stark's most cutting-edge Mark line to shame.

Yes the comic was trying to evoke both The Phantom of The Opera and The Man in The Iron Mask for the purpose of mystery. We never see Doom's face, so we don't know if it's a terrifying ruin, or if it just has a slight imperfection along the cheek. The point is that even if he was disfigured why the armor? Why an iron mask? Why seclude himself completely except for when he pursues his own ends? The story reads more like a myth than a character study, and as a result the actions are grand, sweeping, and ultimately kind of shallow.

Ask Yourself If Real People Are Broken Like This

Art imitates life, and vice versa. Even if you're putting your characters into a completely unreal scenario (farmer abducted by aliens becomes intergalactic gladiator), the ways in which the human psyche breaks and heals are fairly finite. Coping mechanisms are kind of universal, and someone dealing with the stress of completely Earth-bound wars may develop the same sorts of tics and triggers as those who've fought in alien gore pits. All you need is to find a situation similar to the one you're setting up, and ask how real people turn out in that sort of situation. If you can follow that blueprint then the flaws your characters develop are going to feel as real and organic as any person your readers have ever met.

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How to Get Your "Big Break" as an Author

There's a myth you hear authors talk about, particularly when we're in our cups. We call it the Big Break; that mythical, mystical time when our careers will somehow transform from tapping keys at the kitchen table and jotting notes in tiny, ragged spiral bounds to interviews on morning TV shows and cashing fat royalty checks. Like all big fish stories the idea of the Big Break is mostly bullshit, but like most legends there's a nugget of truth in it.

Your career can take a sudden turn for the better. But more often than not this transformation is going to come as a result of hard work and good planning instead of the fickle finger of fate.

Getting a badass book cover helps, though.

Step One: Produce Good Work

While this sounds like a no-brainer it's a step that over-enthusiastic writers who are eager to reach the big time might forget. There's no substitute for hard work, and writing is no exception. If you want to get yourself a big break then you need to make sure you're producing work that will wow readers; especially the critics. In a perfect world all you'd have to do is write good stories to be successful, but even in this imperfect world you need a solid foundation for your career.

Step Two: Publish

Again this sounds self-evident, but as an author you've got the worst of both the temp and contract employee worlds. Editors and publishers see dozens of authors a day, and thousands of them a year more often than not; if you want to stand out then you need to publish and publish frequently. Now you only have so much control over this (unless you're self-publishing, in which case the onus is totally on you), but the more publications you work with the bigger your reach will grow. The more times you see success with the same publisher the more valued you'll be and the more likely you are to get more attention. Either way your stories will be read by a bigger audience (statistically speaking) and you will develop relationships with more editors, publishers, etc. Which leads us to...

Step Three: Network

We've all heard the phrase, "It's not what you know, it's who you know." Well I hate to say it, but these words are just as important for authors as they are for stock brokers. This is why even if you're an introvert it's important to get out there, shake hands, give away business cards, get interviewed, and overall add people to your roll-a-dex.

I'll give you a first-hand account of this. Several years ago I'd published my first few short stories (which are out-of-print, though you can still get copies in this month's free fiction giveaway!) and I was looking to get a little publicity. A friend of mine introduced me to a friend of his who worked for a local magazine. I got a piece run on my story, and that piece was seen by the public radio station. I was invited in as a guest, and read some of my story on the air. Much to my surprise I met several people over the next few months who had heard my reading, and who were floored that I was that author.

On the one hand this one incident didn't skyrocket me to bestseller status. It did get me a few moments in the spotlight as a direct result of good networking, though.

Step Four: Volunteer

While this might seem like it goes directly against my credo of never work for free, open up your ears and listen for a moment. Volunteering doesn't mean giving your stories away for free, or manning a booth at a show for no compensation. In this case it means that you need to reach out and help others if you expect them to help you. Did you meet a cool artist at a convention? Exchange pleasantries with another author from an anthology you were both published in? Made the acquaintance of a publisher who has an open call going on right now? If you want them to help you make it big then you need to step up and take action by helping them out first.

How much you can do will vary. For instance you might just be able to write a good review of a book and put it out on the net. Maybe you stop by to give a good rating to a book on Amazon and Goodreads as well. Perhaps all you can spare is sharing that author's post on Facebook. That kind of effort can go a long way, and it is appreciated. You might have more resources though. Maybe you have a cousin who works at Random House and you could hook a friend up with a direct line to a big-name company. Maybe your roommate runs a really popular podcast, and you could get your new acquaintance a place on the guest list. Maybe you know a Big Name, and you could make the introductions for someone whose talent and drive you believe in.

Networking is good, but if you help others then they will come back and help you. Don't keep score though; if you act like someone's in your debt then they might not do you any favors at all.

Step Five: Repeat

So you got a phenomenal short story out in a collection. The anthology gets a little bit of press, and then it drops off the radar. You didn't win any awards, and your royalty statement is barely enough for a celebratory ice cream cone at McDonald's. Know what that means chief?

Time to get up and do it all over again.

Success can come at any step of the formula. You could write a book that shoots straight to the top of the bestseller list for no understandable reason. You might write five novels, or ten, before getting endorsed by someone with a huge fan following which turns your work into gold. The point is that your word processor is not a high-quality sniper rifle that's able to take precision head shots which earn millions of dollars a pop. It's a machine gun with no support, spraying your words all across the reading public. Maybe all you'll do is make a lot of noise and get people's attention. Maybe you'll wing a few people. Maybe if you're extremely lucky you'll slam your story right into the hearts and minds of those who needed it. But if your first book doesn't get the job done then it's time to reload and try again.

Unlike bullets though a single big hit can retroactively make a lot of your previous attempts into hits as well! Every new business contact, every new fan, and every new book is an opportunity for that big break... just remember that.

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What Is A Real Writer's Daily Word Count? (Also, Why NaNoWriMo Gives You Bad Habits)

I told myself I wasn't going to weigh in on the continued existence of NaNoWriMo (I said everything I had to say in this entry last year). I said this November I would just blithely do my own thing and ignore all of the hopefuls who are blazing away at their keyboards until blissful unconsciousness finally claims them. Unfortunately though there's a subject that crops up a lot this time of year, and I think it's one writers need to seriously discuss.

That subject is your daily word count. Specifically what it should and shouldn't be.

1,666 words exactly. There, done!

How many words you put on the page each day is an intensely personal subject. To use a simile it's like working out; the number of words you put down is going to reflect your needs and your goals as a writer. Walk into a gym and you'll see a lot of people doing ostensibly the same activity (exercising), but with a slew of different goals (compete in bodybuilding competitions, shape up for a movie role, look good to get back in the dating pool, improve health, etc.).

Walking into a writing group is a lot like this example. You're going to have the writer who's on deadline, so she has to get big chunks of text done immediately if she's going to get paid. You have the writer who's doing it as a side job with no deadline who's going to shop the manuscript around to publishers once it's done. Then you have the writers who are just getting into the craft, and those who are doing it to stay sharp but who are there mostly for themselves. Every writer there is doing the same thing (putting words on a page) but each one of them has different needs.

So What Does This Have To Do With NaNoWriMo?

Thanks for reminding me...

No worries, bro.

The great thing about events like NaNoWriMo is that it makes writing a more inclusive activity. It gives people who might otherwise have never attempted to write a novel the chance to try it out and see how they like it. However there's a couple of issues with the competition; mainly the word count and how writers have to chase it like a fleet-footed stag across the wastes.

The agreed-upon length of a novel is a minimum of 50k words. That's no mean feat, but in order to make that minimum in one month it means that someone has to write 1,666 words per day. No missed days, no edits, no nothing. The issue, as several writers have mentioned, is that this leaves you chasing word count rather than crafting your story. Also we're talking minimum; so if your story spirals out of control and needs 70k or 100k words to be told then that 1,666 words per day just isn't going to make the 1 month cut off. Too bad, so sad.

So what's the problem? Nothing, if you're writing for NaNo (though really any time you're left pursuing a word count instead of asking yourself if you're telling the story you want to tell it might be time to pick a different metric for your work). Most of us aren't, but the idea that your daily word count is a measure of your skill and value as a writer is something that we can't shake in the wider world of writers. This competition didn't create that stigma, but it has blown it up to the point that even rank amateurs think they can dictate how good someone is based on daily numbers.

So What's The Right Word Count?

Stephen King is reputed to do 10k words per day on a novel, whether he's feeling it or not. Kurt Vonnegut was said to have done one page per day, no more and no less, and he would not proceed until that one page was completely perfect. Hemingway, Hunter S. Thompson, Neal F. Litherland all have one thing in common...

Aside from a love of guns and money?

Different approaches to our works. I can't speak for Hemingway and Thompson (as my Ouija board has recently developed a fickle streak), but I can tell you that depending on the project I can get anywhere from 500 to 2,000 words of fiction in a day. With the blogs and article posts I write to keep the lights on and my landlord happy I'm looking at an addition 1,500+ words of work (or more) every 24 hour period.

I'm no Stephen King, but I can put down a respectable chunk of text.

That doesn't make me a better or a worse writer than any of the other famous authors I've used for comparison. What makes you a good writer? Skill, dedication, imagery, good grammar, proper spelling... all of these things, but not how many words you can put down on a page in a 24 hour period.

Don't get me wrong, it's a nice bonus to be able to crank out work en masse because the words just flow out of you like pop fiction diarrhea. Just don't beat yourself with a yardstick that might not actually mean anything if it takes you 6 months instead of 1 to get your first draft done.

Do What Works For You

I cannot stress this strongly enough; every writer has his or her own process. It sounds like pretentious art major bullshit, but it's true to a degree. Some authors can just bang out a rough draft in a few months (or a month), get it edited, and have it on the shelves by Christmas. Some authors may take years to get their next book out. Even authors who are successful and don't really need a day job can leave their fans twisted in knots awaiting the next development.

We're not naming names.

It's a natural feeling to be frustrated by only putting down a few hundred words (or less... we've all had those days). Progress is progress though, and writers need to learn that we all have off days. More importantly though we all gain stamina. Maybe you'll never be a 10k word powerhouse but if you start out doing a few hundred words a day on one project then that can jump to a thousand words on the next project. Much like the aforementioned exercise it gets easier the longer you stick to your schedule.

So write every day, no matter how much or how little you manage to put on the page.

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Care and Feeding of Your Author: How To Support Your Favorite Writer's Career

I've said it before, but this week I felt the need to remind readers that it is they who make authors what they are, not publishers. While Random House, Penguin, and the other Caesars might look like they have the power it is actually you, the mob, who gets to decide which of us lives and which of us dies.

It feels like this, but with pens instead of swords.

There's just one problem though; some supporters don't know how to make their desires heard. They're not sure if thumbs up or thumbs down is the good signal, or if they're supposed to shout your name, your title, or just shout to make noise. They don't know if they should bring signs and wear your colors, or if that would be tacky.

For those who are tired of metaphors, I'm going to explain in plain English how to help support the authors you love so their careers will flourish and they can keep writing the books that you want to read.

Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is

Buy Books

If you want an author to keep penning books then that means someone has to buy the volumes already on the market. It's a pretty simple equation, really. Authors write books, people buy books, author gets royalties. If no one buys the books then the author will have to do something else to make money, and then there will be less time for writing more books.

Some of us even consider piracy, since there's not a lot of money in revenge.

Many times people wonder if really buying one book is going to make a difference. Does one vote make a difference? How about one missed paycheck? One pint of blood more or less? Insulting questions aside, it's true that an author only gets a fraction of a book purchase. This means that authors have to sell hundreds of copies a month and several thousand copies a year just to maintain their careers. While one person buying a book might not make a huge difference, if everyone who wanted to support an author bought a book you'd be amazed at the numbers that can lead to when the quarterly royalty check shows up.

Become A Patron

For those who don't want to buy a book and who would rather offer support in other ways you could become a patron. An antiquated idea, patronage is when patrons of the arts (ie. you) give money to an artist to cover that artist's basic needs like food, shelter, etc. This allows the artist to keep making art, rather than being concerned with whether he'll be able to buy groceries this week. If an author has a Patreon account (I do, and here's where you can find my profile) then you could elect to give that author a certain amount of money a month to help pay bills, buy food, and most importantly not waste 40-50 hours a week doing something other than writing books for your enjoyment. If you'd like to know more about how Patreon works I wrote an entire entry about it right here.

Buy Some Swag

Your last option is to see if your author sells anything other than books. Authors may have tee shirts, bumper stickers, bookmarks, and other promotional items that would appeal to any reader and purchases of those items will also go to help support that author's career. The Literary Mercenary's gear shop is right here for instance, for those who didn't know it existed.

But I Don't Have Any Disposable Income!

That's fair, not all readers do. In fact since books can often be enjoyed in the comfort of a book store or rented from a library they're often seen as a pleasure that the poor can enjoy as well as the wealthy. Just because you don't have gads of money to fling at an author though that doesn't mean you can't still support your favorite tale teller.

In fact you can still offer some pretty significant support at the low price of absolutely nothing.

Willy Shakes, telling it like it is.

The best way you can support authors is by promoting their works. If you have a favorite book then tell your friends and family about it. If you go to a reading group suggest the title for discussion. Post a review on Amazon, Goodreads, or any other website that deals in books. Talk about the book on your Facebook page, throw up some pictures on your Tumblr, and if your author has a blog or a website then become a follower. Join your voice with others to help get the word out.

Will It Really Matter?

Yes. Yes it will.

Let me give you an example. I have a little over 200 followers on my Facebook author page (you can follow it here if you're curious). When I post a link to an article or a blog that I've completed and no one likes or shares it then I can expect it to reach between 20 and 30 people on average. If one person shares that link then I will see a reach of between 60 and 120, depending on the follower and how big his or her friends list is.

Imagine for a moment if all 200 followers liked and shared one link. Thousands of people would see it, and at least some of them would also like and share it. This would put my name in front of people who'd never heard of me or my work, and make an impression on them. It could lead to an increase in my readership, more followers, and generally more people who are paying attention to what I'm creating and what I have to say.

Given that I'm a no-name author with a small following I'm sure you can imagine what the spread looks like for authors and artists who are bigger names with bigger pools of fans to draw on.

Things You Shouldn't Do

Some people might think there's no such thing as bad publicity, but that simply isn't true. Just as there are good ways to support your author, so too there are bad ways to support your author.

Don't be that guy.

Just Blast Your Feed Constantly

Authors need other people to help promote them and to spread the good word about their work. What authors do not need is the same one or two fans posting and re-posting a dozen times a day.

Perhaps the most common mistake made by well-meaning fans who want to help an author out is to simply spit out posts all over social media and forums. The best case scenario is that the promotional blitz catches a few new fans, but it's much more likely to simply fade into the background. The worse case scenario is that someone who constantly spams an author will have a forum account closed, be asked to stop posting, or be actively accused of just being a shill for the author. A few shares a week is usually enough to get the message out without barraging anyone with it.

Attack Others

We've all seen this in rabid fandoms. There's a conversation going on about a book you love, and one person has the temerity to speak up about a problem with the book. People immediately swarm that individual like a school of literate piranhas, tearing down to the bone.

Don't do that.

Political parties, religions, and authors are judged by our followers. So while the urge to click the caps lock and shout wilting profanity at someone in the echo chamber of the Internet might be strong, remember that your comments will reflect on the things you love. It's not fair, but it is true.

Offer Hollow Support

We've all been there at one time or another. Maybe you have a friend who's making a movie, a cousin who's writing a novel, or a significant other embarking on a painting. You might be totally unconnected from the work, but you want to help the artist all the same. So you go through the motions of getting a copy, showing up to speaking events, and being a dutiful friend, but you don't really care about the project.

This one's a crap shoot. On the one hand some people are just happy their friends take an interest, even if that interest is perfunctory. On the other hand there are artists that will feel like you're humoring them instead of legitimately trying to help. This can lead to hurt feelings and frustrations on both sides of the equation. This one really only applies to those who know an author personally, and it has to be taken on a case by case basis.

To Sum Up

The short version is this; no author can be successful without an audience. If you want to help the authors you love then the best thing you can do is to be the middleman and put their work in touch with people who will love it just as much as you do. If you have the spare cash to buy the books yourself, or to put some change in your author's tip jar every month then that's great, but if not you can still help.

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The Mortal Sins of Worldbuilding

Worldbuilding is one of the most unsung skills a storyteller can have. When it's done right the reader won't even notice it, except to remark on how cleverly and naturally everything fits together. When worldbuilding is done poorly though it's a "slam the covers and throw the book at a passing nun" kind of offense.

This practice becomes dangerous at the Vatican.

Generally speaking that's something you want to avoid.

So How Do I Avoid Bad Worldbuilding?

Normally this is where I'd launch into an exhaustive list of tips, tricks, and suggestions for how to make your world stand out among the stacks of other popular fictions on the market. However I already covered some of this in this entry all about building Dystopian futures, and Charlie Jane Anders has created this phenomenal guide to the 7 Deadly Sins of Worldbuilding available at io9.

How can you argue with this sweet graphic?

For those of you who didn't click the second link, you seriously should. However the salient sins you need to avoid when it comes to worldbuilding are:

1. Ignoring Infrastructure: You can't save a world when you don't know who picks up the trash.

2. Not Explaining Current Events: Why is plot happening now? Why not 50 years ago/ahead?

3. One-Dimensional Parodies: No characters, especially ethnically derivative ones, may be flat.

4. Monoliths: No one in a party/ethnicity/country feels the same way about everything. Ever.

5. Simple History: Real history is full of happenstance, unfortunate weather, and bad decisions.

6. Soulless Locale: If you can't touch, taste, and smell this place, it will be flat and boring.

7. Follow the Ripples: If people can read minds, then what does that change about a society?

Could I add more to this list? Absolutely! Does more need to be added? No, not really. Anders hits all the high notes and if you follow the advice given your world is going to be a lot more believable. The problem is that once you've built the stage you still have to come up with an interesting story to have play out on it.

An author's work is never done, is it?

How to Get Writing Jobs

I'd like to apologize to my regular readers for taking last week off. You see I was busy being kicked into the gutter by Google, and the boot prints haven't quite worn off yet. The full account of what happened (and the rather bloody financial shape it left me in) can be found at this post right here, and I would encourage all readers to please check it out and help out if you can.

Now then, I'd like to talk to you all about the secret to getting writing jobs.

What is a Writing Job?

While the name should be pretty straightforward I'm going to clarify the types of jobs I'm talking about here. I don't mean getting a book published, or starting your own blog. I am not referring to joining a website where you can put up whatever content you want either, since that is essentially you getting up on a platform and trying to gather your own audience. What I am talking about are "traditional" writing jobs; where your employer pays you a fee to create content according to his or her needs.

Rocking it old school.

The advantages to traditional writing jobs are pretty obvious. They provide you a steady source of income, you have something resembling job security (or at least you know how much money a given project is worth), you can put the job on your resume, and you may even manage to get a reference for future jobs out of an employer.

In short you get all of those things that you don't get as someone who's independently employed, for lack of a better term. Not only that, but you can still run your own projects on the side while paying rent.

Step One: Tune Up

Before you even think about looking for a writing job you need to make sure you've taken a whetstone to your craft, and your words are sharp enough to shave with. If you were trying to get a gig as a lead guitarist you wouldn't leave the basement until you could shred your potential employer's face off; being a writer isn't much different.

This is actually how I write most of my editorials.

Once you've got your voice, style, and rhythm down you need to compose a couple of sample pieces. While it's more impressive if these samples have been published (it doesn't matter where, just so long as they've been published by someone), publication isn't always a necessity. You should have at least three completed pieces to hand out as samples, but the bigger a variety you have the better.

Step Two: Kick In The Door

I've had a fair number of writing jobs, both traditional and non. I've written for two college newspapers, two local newspapers, I've contributed to a now-defunct magazine called College Gentleman, run blogs on a steampunk website, been a columnist at Kobold Quarterly, edited stories for Jupiter Gardens Press, and I've contributed content for Paizo publishing's Pathfinder roleplaying game. While those jobs sound like they're all over the board (because they are), I got each and every one of them with the same, tried and true method.

I would like a job, please.

When you get a traditional, non-writing job there's a formula you follow. You fill out an application, submit it to a manager, wait for an interview, and hope you get a call back telling you when to start. When it comes to writing jobs, even "traditional" ones, things tend to be a little faster and a whole lot dirtier. As such the best way for you to get the job you want is to take the initiative, and kick in the door. Most of the time your future employer will be shocked by the splintered wood hanging off the hinges, and impressed by your initiative. If you're asked to submit some samples, then you have a more than fighting chance of getting the job.

This isn't just tough talk either; getting a job as a writer is largely in how you present yourself. If you show up with a ready portfolio, an eye-catching business card, and a firm handshake then prospective employers will mark you as someone to try out. You probably won't receive a contract and a corner office on the spot, but you might get picked up as a stringer for a newspaper, a pinch hitter for a magazine, or you'll be asked to submit a smaller section of a bigger project in a game booklet. Once your employer sees how you respond to pressure, how you work with a team, and how your quality stands up, you can expect to see more work come your way along with a potential for that full time gig and retirement package.

Just remember that you want to seem enthusiastic, sincere, and qualified. If you're sending an email then be sure you've read it a dozen times, and that you've made it very clear what you want and why you should be given a chance. If you're showing up to an event like a job fair, a convention, etc. then you want to make sure you've got copies of your resume, plenty of business cards, and that you've practiced how to pitch yourself without sounding like you're pitching yourself. In short you want to sell your future boss on the idea that you will be a valuable asset to have on speed dial.

Step Three: Repeat

I'd like to say there's a big secret to getting steady work as a writer, because if I could I'd have a best selling book on the market and I'd never have to work again. Sadly being a writer is a lot like being a sculptor or a painter; some of us land cushy jobs where we can skate by with plenty of time and effort for other projects, and most of us end up patching together a collection of odd jobs and pennies to pay rent.

A lot of us do things we aren't exactly proud of.

The difference between the writer who has enough work to pay for insurance, a new car, and the occasional cheese burger on the weekend is not usually a matter of talent or skill, though. It's usually decided by who is willing to get back up and come out swinging in the next round. If one job prospect doesn't work out you thank them for the consideration, and move on to the next company. You go to the next convention, the next job fair, the next publishers' event, and you dive in with a sharp smile and a business card in hand.

Most people think it's the fastest or the strongest fighter who's left standing at the end of the day. More often than not though it's the person who refuses to go down.

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So You Want to Be A Writer?

I'm going to start of this post by making the assumption that most of you reading these words found your way here because you think you want to be writers. I am here to tell you that unfortunately, most of you don't.

And the Internet howled in outrage.

Now I'm sure there's some of you who are here in an earnest search for information. Maybe you're in high school or college, and you're starting to seriously consider a career as an author of some variety. Or maybe you've completed the hard work of getting your manuscript from your head and onto the page, and now you're looking for the next step.

To all of these people, this blog entry is not for you.

So Who Is It For?

This blog entry is for all of those people who think they want to be writers. For people who will criticize published books despite not working on a manuscript of their own. For those who talk about how "writer's block" stops them from getting the job done, or who make excuses about not having the time to write. This entry is for all those who say "one day," or "I'd like to, but," when they talk about writing. It's for all of those who want talk about how magnificent their mind palaces are going to be to those of us sweating and straining to lay the foundations of very real careers.

Stop. Just stop.

Please

You don't actually want to be writers. You think you do, but you don't. Let me tell you why.

Lost In Translation

In all fairness, this isn't entirely your fault.

Have you noticed how English isn't really good at being specific when it comes to the exact meanings of certain words? You need look no further than the word love to see the problems with English. When you say you love someone, how do you mean it? Are we talking a deep, emotional, spiritual, and sexual connection like you'd have with a life partner? Do you instead mean the kind of platonic love you'd have for a sibling, or the sort of love that can only be found in deep, life-spanning friendships? Do you mean the kind of love you reserve for children, or the kind you keep especially for cupcakes?

I love you too, cupcake.

We experience the same problem as English-speakers when we say the word want. As pointed out in this article by Cracked, two people can use this same word in amazingly different ways. When some people say they want something it's a statement of purpose. For instance, someone might say "I want to get my bachelor's degree in the next four years," and mean that they're signing up for classes, buying textbooks, and burning all of the oil they've got, midnight and otherwise to accomplish this goal. Other people will use the word want as a kind of blanket statement that can be translated as "wouldn't it be nice if...?" These are people who want things like world peace, or to get six pack abs by sitting on the couch, or to someday work in the computer field without getting the training or degrees necessary.

Some people who say they want to be writers fall into the former category. Most fall into the latter.

How Can You Tell?

As I said in this entry right here, there's only one kind of writer; the kind who writes. If you don't write, then you're not a writer, plain and simple. Before you start arguing, check this list of signs against your behavior. Do you:

- Make excuses for why your book isn't being worked on?

- Have no idea how to publish your book once it's done?

- Constantly find other things to do besides write?

- Talk about how great your book is, but never actually put words on the page?

- Trust that the book will take care of itself instead of attending talks, reading articles, and going to conventions that could help you network and find a home for your book?

These are just a few of the signs that your want doesn't have the razor edge it's going to need if you're going to be a writer. If you were serious, if you wanted to write a novel, or a short story, or an anthology, or a textbook, or whatever your project is you would be constantly planning it. You would be checking the guidelines from various publishers to see who would accept your work, and reading up on self publishing to see if it's a viable option. You would be devouring books on technique and voice along with guides to the industry. You would be looking for talks by established writers, and spending a little bit of time every day on your manuscript. Maybe it's a few hundred words, or whatever you can get done in an hour, but you would do it day in, day out, without fail.

Why? Because you want a book with your name on the cover and your picture on the book jacket, that's why.

Change Today. Tomorrow is Too Late

There's nothing to say that you can't turn your blanket statement into a statement of purpose. You could finish reading this entry and then go back through my archive on writing technique, reviewing good and bad tropes, and learning about how to become a better writer. You could seek out guidelines from companies like Tor or Baen Books, and take a gander at what you're going to have to accomplish. You could spend an hour with a notebook and a pen, drawing out your plan for your project. You could even open up a fresh word document and write the first page or two.

But you have to keep going.

Writing a book isn't about pushing one, huge stone down a mountain. It's about pushing a bunch of smaller ones down that incline every day. It's about putting in the effort to create the avalanche until the habit is so thoroughly ingrained that you can't stop. This is what it takes to be a writer. Unfortunately it means you're going to have to find that time somewhere. It might mean sacrificing your TV or video game habit, or watching fewer movies on the weekend. It might mean not going out for drinks after work, or switching to a 1-hour workout instead of a 3-hour bike ride.

If you don't do it though, nothing's ever going to change.

As always thanks for stopping in at The Literary Mercenary. If you'd like to get my updates then follow me on Facebook or Tumblr, or just put your email address into the box on your right hand side. If you want to help out then click the shiny new "Like This" button on your upper right hand side, make a donation by clicking on the "Shakespeare Gotta Get Paid, Son," button on the right, or drop by my Patreon page and become a patron today!

What's the fun in being an author if your Internet search history doesn't put you at the top of a few criminal suspect lists? Because research is one of the most fun parts of the writing craft I wrote an article about how to dispose of unwanted bodies for Yahoo! Voices (back when they still existed), but unfortunately Yahoo! decided the content didn't really fit with their guidelines. That said, their loss is your gain! If you've got a couple of unwanted characters bloodying up your story, here are some creative ways to get rid of what's left of them!

This article is now officially off moratorium.

How to Get Rid of a Body

Facts and Fictions About Body Disposal

Neal Litherland, Yahoo Contributor Network

We've all seen that movie. Maybe it's one of those films where everyone's having a good time, but something goes wrong and somebody ends up dead. Rather than coming clean and talking to the police, everyone agrees to cover up the dead body they think they have on their hands. Or maybe you're more a fan of those movies where someone who was wronged decides it's time to get his or her hands dirty. Your lead starts hacking up the chain of command, leaving a bloody trail through every scene.

Don't you ever wonder why these characters don't get caught? With all of the CSI techs with their crime labs full of colored liquids, and detectives with their hunches and gut instincts shouldn't someone be able to catch these killers?

Yes... unless your slashers and stalkers have been disposing of bodies off-camera. If that's the case then they're probably using some of these popular methods that are relatively common place in the real world.

Would I Lye To You?

Sodium hydroxide is a chemical solution you're probably familiar with, particularly if you're a fan of Fight Club. If you've seen the film then you've seen the horrible, caustic burns that lye can cause to skin in less than a minute. It's the ability to melt flesh right off the bone that makes lye the choice of discerning assassins and murderers the world over, but particularly among cartels who like to make bodies just up and vanish. According to this article, hitmen tend to make a strong lye solution, heat it to 300 degrees, and then dump in the body. In less than a day it will be liquefied and ready to be dumped out into the nearest sewer grate. Variations of this procedure are used in medical labs and universities where cadavers that have served their purpose need to be done away with quickly, and cleanly.

The other thing that makes lye such a great option for body disposal is that it's easy to get. Enough lye to dissolve a body can be bought for a $20 bill with change to spare from any farm or soap supply store. Powerful acids can eat up a body, bones and all in less than an hour, but these same acids can be used to build bombs. So if you start buying acid you're going to get on a lot of radars very quickly.

Suckers.

A More Chipper Method

If you've seen Fargo then you've seen the iconic image of the chipper shredder with a fan of blood sprayed out over the snow. While this grisly image is a pop culture snap shot, it's also an accurate image of the best way to reduce evidence to little more than chunky suet. A dead body is hard to move, hard to hide, and hard to do much of anything with if it still looks like a person. Reduced to meat mulch, preferably spat out onto a dirty blue tarp like a plastic burrito, there's a world of possibilities.

You've heard the rumor that pigs will eat anything, including dead people? Well that's true, more or less. Problem is that pigs don't usually just eat a dead body; if it's chopped up, shredded, and put in a pail though they'll gobble away till their fat little hearts are content. A serial killer accused of having 20 victims did this very thing. Other options include dumping your victim-slurry down into the sewer, or tossing the remains into a river where it will be blown out to sea and eaten by fish. As long as the machine is cleaned thoroughly with strong bleach that will destroy any blood, and all the bits of bone, meat and gristle are wiped away, there's no one to say what happened to that missing person.

Bury Them Deep

The classic image of someone burying victims in the dirt floor of the basement, or out in the garden patch is one of the more common methods people use to get rid of bodies. This has happened a staggering number of times in real life as well, but the problem is that buried bodies are some of the easiest to find. Even if you chop them up, or mulch them, it takes time for the earth to erase the evidence. However, according to unethical life hacks it's quite possible to mask the scene of the crime with relative ease.

Say you've dug a nice, deep, 6-foot hole like you're supposed to. Throw the body in and bury it under a few feet of dirt. Then throw in the corpse of a dead dog or deer. Fill in the hole the rest of the way. In the event that the police do come and they do get a scent from a given area, they'll find the decomposing animal and will be more likely not to dig any further. Your secret is safe, and the earth is left to keep on churning away at one more victim.

References

"Oregon Farmer Eaten by Pigs" by JuJu Kim at Time
"Alkaline Hydrolosis- Dissolving Bodies With Lye" by Anne Marie Helmenstein at About

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How to Avoid the Dreaded Exposition Dump

Every story needs exposition; there's no way around it. Whether you're writing a gritty, modern thriller in the heart of New York City, or your tale takes place in a fanciful kingdom several worlds away, you need to explain to your audience just what the hell is going on. Without at least a minimally set scene it doesn't matter how great or lovingly you rendered the world; your story won't make sense.

Which way did it go George, which way did it go?

The necessity of exposition has, unfortunately, led to what most people refer to as the exposition dump. This is when writers decide to break all of their action around page five or so (earlier in short stories) in order to shoe horn in a bunch of facts that the reader probably needs to know in order to translate the world, but which have the effect of an anvil dropped from a great height. Some readers might slog through the dump in order to get to the rest of the story, but a lot of them won't.

Fortunately, if you're willing to roll up your sleeves and fire up the backhoe, we can turn this dump into a cleverly camouflaged piece of scenery that's just as effective.

Tip #1: If They Don't Need to Know, Don't Tell Them

Because examples work best, I'll use one to illustrate this point. About a year ago I was invited to participate in an anthology called "Sidekicks" (great book, check it out here), and I wrote a short story titled "Relic of the Red Planet". The simple plot is that in a futuristic, space opera sort of world a collector of rare, alien artifacts has been murdered. His granddaughter enlists the help of an old friend, adventurer and antiquarian Galatea Jones. For backup Galatea calls in a favor from her friend, Martian gun-for-hire Doomsday Blues. Using a public auction as bait to lure out the murderers, whom Galatea suspects were trying to steal a secret part of the dead man's collection, mayhem ensues. When the dust settles, our heroes are victorious.

Now, the story itself is a simple little mystery told in about 5,000 words or so. I could very easily have confused the story, and completely hammered my readers, by including a bunch of extraneous details that, while they would have made the world clearer, simply didn't matter to this particular telling. For instance, did the reader need to know that all of the "aliens" were genetically modified humans designed for life on the more hostile planets of the solar system many thousands of years ago? No, not really. Did I need to make a big deal about what year in the future it was, or how planets like Venus had been altered to support life? Nope. Did I have to explain how interplanetary travel was so advanced? Not in the slightest. All I needed to do was focus on the essentials, which is what I did.

It was just like this. Except with ray guns and aliens.

When writing a story, any story, look at what is essential to understanding the world. You, as the creator, need to know all of it. But if you're loading down a story with a bunch of extraneous material that really doesn't matter, consider cutting it out in favor of keeping the story going.

Tip #2: Show, Don't Tell

I've said it before (right here in this post, in fact), writers should show readers a scene whenever possible. Not only does it keep the story flowing, but it will camouflage the fact that readers have been given critical information. It's kind of like dicing up vegetables and putting them in something tasty so that kids will eat them without even knowing they were there.

Here's a quick example for you. Say you're writing a high fantasy series, and in this series there's an order of knights known as the Foresworn. Now, the important back story might be that these knights are all noble warriors who have fallen from the kingdom's grace, and they are considered persona non grata by the populace at large. They're given suicide missions, and those who survive may once more attain their former rank and earn forgiveness for whatever sins they've committed. Take it a step further, and say that the order is made up of men and women, with ranks and symbols that include death's heads, weighted scales, and black wings.

Being this guy is enough to warrant a life sentence.

Now, assume for a moment that the reader needs to understand some of that in order to grasp why these characters are important. You could go and give an account of how the Foresworn were formed, and list out what each mark of rank means. But why do that when you can just show us a member, and let us draw our own conclusions? Maybe the representative you give us is a big man with a stubbled jaw and greasy hair. Despite his brusque manner and brutish appearance though, his weapons are immaculate and he fights in a way only someone born and trained to war can do. That single action sequence would show us what members are capable of, without the writer having to talk the knights up.

If a single glance isn't enough, then drop a few more hints. Have someone ask him what act he committed to be stripped of rank and title, perhaps. This would let the reader know that despite the armor, and even his birth, the warrior is not considered nobility any longer. Maybe have a member of this organization mention in conversation with her fellows that she's only got two more missions until redemption. These three things give the reader a solid grasp of who the Foresworn are, especially when combined with their name. No matter how cool the history of the order is, or how epic the first knights who began it were, if the readers don't need to know it, see Tip #1.

Tip #3: It's a Bird, It's a Plane... It's Exposition Man!

If you must tell the reader something, then it's best for the statements to come out of your characters' mouths. Cue Exposition Man! By day a humble pathologist, psychologist, neighborhood baker, or dope peddler, but as soon as he comes into contact with protagonists he simply cannot resist the urge to spew forth plot-related details just as quickly as they can ask questions!

You know, it's funny you should ask...

Exposition Man is something of a trope, but he/she/it can often be a very useful plot device. What he does is deliver key information to the reader in such a way that it looks like two characters having a conversation. When done properly Exposition Man has every right to know the things he/she knows about the world and plot, so when the talking trope decides to open up about the goings on of the local crime boss, or expound on the different oaths the Monks of the Eternal Silence supposedly take, the reader doesn't balk and demand to know why they're being made to read pages of text.

Tip #4: Spread it Out

Exposition is hard work. You have to know what you want the reader to know, and you have to dress it up in a way that's pleasing to the eye and easy for the mind to take in. Doing all of that at once is not easy, and in fact it can give you a mental hernia.

Pictured: A wild metaphor in its natural environment.

Don't try to tell your reader absolutely everything up front. For one thing, it creates an information overload that can read like an essay rather than a novel. Secondly, if you actually expect readers to remember content that took place on page 5-7, then said content needs to be short and snappy in order to claim brain space. If you put a guide to your world there, no matter how necessary it might be, readers aren't going to remember it. They sure as hell aren't going to flip back and look things up, either.

In the end, too much spice will spoil your story. Spread your exposition out, and ask yourself how much of it is necessary at this very moment. If you can cut down on exposition in a scene without losing anything, do so. If something is necessary, find a way to include it. If it's something you just think is cool but would need an entire flashback, side conversation, or out-of-nowhere discussion to even bring up, chances are you don't need it.


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